** Disclaimer (that shouldn’t be necessary, but somehow is): These are my initial thoughts as I process the documentary. They are in no way reflective of every Chinese adoptee and can change as I work through more of my own story. **<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Before I had started my advocacy work, I was aware that much of the information given to my family about my pre-adoptive life could be inaccurate. Birth date, the location where I was found, the age at which I was found, all of it. I had a hard time processing this knowledge without being triggered. I am lucky that for 2 out of the 3 places where I lived in China, I am connected with the people who cared for me and can provide accurate information of my pre-adoptive life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When the One Child Policy ended in 2015, I was incredibly confused about my feelings. I penned an essay that described the complex emotions for a policy that gave me the loving adoptive family I have today, yet denied me a life with the family that brought me into this world. It was that essay and being triggered by subsequent questions that started my advocacy work. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I queued up One Child Nation<\/em>, I was very nervous about the images I was going to see. I was already aware of how strict the policy was, but especially with National Adoption Awareness Month and World Adoption Day, I was preparing myself to be triggered. <\/p>\n\n\n\n There were many moments when I teared up listening to how this policy affected families. I felt concern about whether this documentary might unintentionally promote the white savior complex. I was a bit perplexed when it was stated, “…it is actually very common that adoptees do not want to contact their birth families.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n I found it easier to watch than I expected… perhaps because I prepared myself for what I was about to see and already had a knowledge of what was going on in China. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Also, keep in mind I am 25 years old and at a specific point in processing my story. I could watch again today, next week, or next year and find it unbearable to watch. A lot of the documentary can be triggering to all adoptees, in addition to not being suited for young adoptees. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Overall, I feel about the same as I did before I watched. I feel the same as I did in 2015 when the policy ended. I feel the same as I did for as long as I remember. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel sadness<\/strong> for Chinese families and more specifically, Chinese women without a choice. I watched in disgust as people recalled forced sterilizations and abortions used to implement the family planning policy. I closed my eyes and furrowed my brow hearing about both the intentional and unintentional deaths of baby girls born to families who desired a son.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I felt comforted<\/strong> as family members spoke of abandoning girls as a way to let them survive. It was calming to hear that these families experience grief and still think about their missing children. I was reminding that the bond between a child and their biological family is strong. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel strong<\/strong> knowing that I survived it. I went from a government orphanage, to a private group home, to a foster family, to an adoptive family by the time I was six months old, and I survived it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel appreciative <\/strong>that I am alive and was matched with such a loving and supportive adoptive family. I try to imagine exploring my story and identity without their support and willingness to learn, and it seems impossible. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I remain wary<\/strong> knowing that while brutally honest about the family planning policy, perspectives and stories are unique, and this narrative may not be the same for everyone. I stay open to all possibilities and continue to validate adoptees’ stories.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel grief<\/strong> for a family I will likely never know. I think about the policy I was born under, and I question if my family ever hopes to reunite with me. I wonder how many family members even know I exist. I picture living the rest of my life never knowing someone to whom I am biologically related.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel hopeful <\/strong>that with new technologies and a strong community of advocates, adoptees may reunite with their first families and finally get the answers to all of their questions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n There are so many emotions inside… all fighting to be felt the strongest. But I feel all of it<\/strong> and everything in between. I have accepted the fact that I will always feel confused. With or without answers, I will always feel conflicting emotions about my story as I grieve one identity and take pride in another. But, I remember that all of those feelings and thoughts are part of me and part of my story. I cannot ignore them, and I must acknowledge all of them to be me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" ** Disclaimer (that shouldn’t be necessary, but somehow is): These are my initial thoughts as I process the documentary. They are in no…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4345,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23],"tags":[41,184,185,452,453,471,665],"class_list":["post-1334","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adoption","tag-adoptee","tag-china-adoption","tag-china-one-child-policy","tag-national-adoption-awareness-month","tag-national-adoption-month","tag-one-child-nation","tag-transracial-adoption"],"yoast_head":"\nI feel confused.<\/strong> <\/h2>\n\n\n\n