{"id":2592,"date":"2020-06-22T12:03:37","date_gmt":"2020-06-22T17:03:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lfsmusings.com\/?p=2592"},"modified":"2021-11-20T13:07:02","modified_gmt":"2021-11-20T19:07:02","slug":"i-was-supposed-to-be-celebrating","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lillyfei.com\/index.php\/2020\/06\/22\/i-was-supposed-to-be-celebrating\/","title":{"rendered":"I Was Supposed to Be Celebrating"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Today was supposed<\/em> to be a happy day. Just like it was supposed to be the best day of my life exactly one year ago. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead of a wedding, I was blindsided and handed a broken engagement. Two days after my would-be-wedding, I was given a re-examination of my doctoral qualifying exams and was terrified of failing out. I was suddenly very alone in a city hundreds of miles from my family and friends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The last 365 days have been full of reflection and growth. I look at the blog post drafts saved on my computer and see the pain and sadness I fought. The words were too angry to ever be posted. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I see the scheduled posts I have now, and it’s like looking at a different person. I see the fire in my eyes and I feel the energy to do good work and tell the world I am here!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, there are still times when I feel rage. There are times when I want to throw everything I own out and start again. There are times when I sit, unable to feel anything at all, questioning why me<\/strong>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that’s okay. I no longer feel guilty for giving those feelings energy. I no longer feel ashamed for still feeling grief for a reality that disappeared with a single sentence. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remind myself that I am worthy and strong. I protect my heart, but that doesn’t make me heartless. I try to go with the flow <\/em>more (or whatever that means to me) and take life day by day. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are times when I think my outlook on life is impulsive and reckless. Being such an organized person did that to me. Instead, I figured out what it really is. Resilience<\/strong>. I can’t plan for everything that life throws at me, but I do know that I can handle all of it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am resilient. <\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\"\"
Today. Still in my PhD program. Still advocating. Still fighting.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Today was supposed to be a happy day. 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