I\u2019m sitting in a coffee shop on a rainy day waiting to pick up my mom from the airport. She\u2019s here for a little over 3 days so she can attend my bridal beauty trial and bridal photos with me. It should be a very exciting time. I watched my friends before me get married and they shook with anticipation and excitement and the season ahead. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
My Chinese wedding dress is hanging in the closet waiting for me to put it on. My headset and earrings are wrapped up in a box for my beauty team to pin into my hair. There\u2019s a photo of me wearing the dress for the first time when I tried it on. I haven\u2019t worn it since. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I know once I\u2019m in the dress with the hair and makeup complete, I\u2019m going to look in the mirror and see two faceless parents behind me. The first family I knew for a few short days. The first family I have not found. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
My mind has blocked out imagining my wedding. My wedding planner and therapist have offered suggestions as to how I can pay tribute to my first family, but it all feels so painful. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Wondering if those unfamiliar with my story will think the lonely chairs are for loved ones who have passed away. Terrified that my family and friends will think I did not want them there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I try not to think about that and focus on taking it day-by-day. Because trying to prepare for every complex emotion is overwhelming and debilitating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, I focus on step one. The bridal photos. How to look at myself in the mirror and take my reflection in without disassociating from the moment. Trying to break a hole in the mental wall to let me feel something instead of getting through the day numb and safe. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019m sitting in a coffee shop on a rainy day waiting to pick up my mom from the airport. She\u2019s here for a…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5922,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23,2,859,835],"tags":[41,43,48,63,945,690],"class_list":["post-5918","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adoption","category-advocacy","category-lilly-fei-gets-married","category-the-wedding-series","tag-adoptee","tag-adoptee-blogger","tag-adoptee-lilly","tag-adoption-blog","tag-bridal-photos","tag-wedding"],"yoast_head":"\n