{"id":913,"date":"2019-08-11T11:15:26","date_gmt":"2019-08-11T16:15:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lfsmusings.com\/?p=913"},"modified":"2020-09-26T16:53:03","modified_gmt":"2020-09-26T21:53:03","slug":"backtracking","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lillyfei.com\/index.php\/2019\/08\/11\/backtracking\/","title":{"rendered":"Backtracking."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I thought I was leaving the rut. I thought everything was going to be left behind. I was moving forward. Silly me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Official Note from XXX City. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

That’s what the envelope said. I was stupid enough to think it was a parking ticket I was unaware of. Of course it wasn’t. It was a reminder of everything I’ve endured for the last 4-5 months. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I skimmed the letter a few times. I couldn’t read the entire thing. It was too painful. What was the gist? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The marriage license taken out had expired. The city wants to know why it was never filed. There is an option with a little box I can check: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I never got married. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had forgotten about that stupid license. I wasn’t even the one who took it out. He did. I assumed he would have received this notice. Not me. Maybe he did. Maybe the city needs both parties to give their reasons. I wouldn’t know. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

All I know is, I am still bitter. I am still angry. I still feel wronged. I still feel blindsided. And I’m not sure that will ever go away. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Believe me, I’m trying. I’m trying everything. And me trying makes me feel like a failure of a woman I want to be. Strong. Independent. Unstoppable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And yet, I make excuses and show endless compassion for the one who crushed me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I will never forget what was done to me. I will never forget the reactions of those around me. I will never forget the judgement and ignorance. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I will not forget who I am again. I will not forget what I deserve. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It isn’t this. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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