Stop Invalidating Us.

Invalidation is something I talk about a lot on all of my platforms. It’s a major problem. It can be both intentional and unintentional. It can be very aggressive or seemingly peaceful. It happens in many different ways. The common denominator is it’s disrespectful and makes the receiver feel pretty terrible. 

I write about this again now because it’s National Adoption Awareness Month (NAAM)… a month where adoptees attempt to reclaim the narrative and share their stories. This month has been used by the adoption industry to further promote adoption and the idea that all adoptions are a blessing (and act of saviorism). 

I think invalidation becomes especially prevalent during NAAM because there is an increase in adoptee posts. We try to post a lot to let our voices be heard. We try to remind people that adoptees are important members of the adoption community. We remind people that (most) adoptees have no choice in their adoption. These topics make the general public extremely uncomfortable. It even makes many adoptees uncomfortable. 

Well, you could have been aborted.

I have a good relationship with my adoptive family. Maybe you should try thinking of your story from a different perspective. 

You are just angry. You’re throwing a tantrum. Grow up. 

Be grateful for where you are. Everyone deals with bad situations. 

I, and many, have received comments and variations of the above comments. Sometimes, I know the person has good intentions. Sometimes, I know the person is feeling extreme defensiveness and feels the need to be hostile.

Frankly, I don’t care what one’s intentions are. The impact is the same. Suddenly, my story doesn’t matter. My experience doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. 

When I share my story it’s not about anyone but me. I often question why people find my story a threat. Why they suddenly feel attacked for me sharing about my life. I know it’s because they can relate to at least part of it. It’s forcing them to question their roles in adoption and systemic racism. 

So, because it is NAAM. I challenge you to the same thing I encourage people to do every NAAM. Listen to the challenging perspectives and put your defensiveness aside. Recognize how much a person can lose upon adoption because all we hear about is how much a person can gain. Understand that adoptees can have natural longings to know their roots just like everyone else. Identify the times that you feel defensive when an adoptee shares their story and reflect on why you may be feeling those things. 

National Adoption Awareness Month is the only dedicated month a year that we can look critically at the adoption industry. The narrative is already saturated with how much of a blessing adoption is. Why do we need an entire month dedicated to that? We don’t. 

Challenge your biases. Challenge the idyllic picture of adoption you have in your head. Challenge yourself. Let adoptees live and speak authentically without fear of invalidation.