Just a dress in a box.

I had no clue if what I was doing was traditional. I didn’t really care. I was so excited at the first fitting for my wedding dress. I wasn’t wearing the store sample. I was wearing my dress.

What did I do that might not be so traditional? I brought my dad along. He was the only man among the women (including my future in-laws). Sure, he stood out a little, but he seemed content to be there.

I was happy he was there too. After all, he’d be walking me down the aisle. He was a very, very important part of the day.

I remember walking out of the dressing room to see tear-filled eyes and smiles. My dad managed to hold in his tears, but he couldn’t promise the same for the actual wedding day.

My hair wasn’t done. I wasn’t wearing makeup. My sister was annoyed that the black hair tie on my right wrist hadn’t moved since the seventh grade. But it was perfect. My dad said he couldn’t have pictured me in a more beautiful dress.

I was so excited to wear it again, with hair and makeup done, supported my dad as we made our way down the aisle. As you know by now, that day never came.

It wasn’t until today that I realized if I hadn’t brought my dad along to my fitting, he would never had seen the dress on me. No way would I have gone home to put in on after the wedding was cancelled.

It’s disappointing. Of course it is. I still feel a lump in my throat when I think about it. I think about how I joined my dad and (now ex) fiance to their tux fittings. I guess I wouldn’t have seen those either unless I went.

So much has been lost. I’m trying not to dwell on it. I’m trying not to sound like a spoiled bridezilla who didn’t get what she wanted. It’s hard. It doesn’t seem fair. I didn’t choose what happened, and I didn’t get a say in what happened. One day I was getting married, and the next I was being told that the entire thing was cancelled and I was now single.

I don’t think I’ll be alone forever. For now, I am. I’m not angry about that. I don’t have the emotional capacity to even think about love right now. I am angry that this was handed to me and I was expected to just go along with it. I am angry that I was expected to be fine with what happened because someone else was the victim and I was supposed to be the supportive partner? Friend? Ex?

No more. I’m putting myself first. People can’t just make life-changing decisions for me.

I deserve better than that.