The Problem with Always Being Strong

I’m not an outwardly emotional person. I never have been. I’m the type that holds things in and writes about them (like I’m doing now). I’m the type that will eventually explode once it becomes too much. I’m the type that can remember a lot and recite conversations and interactions that have played themselves out in my head over and over again. I’m the type that seems to always have it together. The type that takes care of others. The type that is always strong. 

It’s lonely. Until recently, I didn’t know why. Thankfully, I have an adoptee therapist who has helped me identify patterns in my life and how I can work on connecting with others more. 

I cannot remember the last time someone asked me how I was. If I was doing okay. If I’m hanging in there. If the dumpster fire of 2020 has taken a toll on me. Sure, people ask how my day is. They greet me with a “How are you?”, but I cannot remember the last time someone truly asked about me. 

It makes me sad. It makes me feel alone. It makes me feel like the only place I can go to for support is therapy. I feel like I can never have an off day because if I do, someone who is leaning on me may suffer. 

I’ve found that when people ask about the major events happening in my life, they ask me about the other people in my life. How is he doing? How are your parents doing? Is your sister handling it okay? 

I know part of this is on me. I know I need to work on being emotional and opening up. It would be nice if people saw me as one that is vulnerable too. One that doesn’t always have everything together. One that needs to lean on others just as much as people lean on me. 

I like being reliable. I like being dependable. I like supporting the people in my life. I have realized that constantly trying to fix everything… constantly being on… constantly being the go-to person for support and advice has made people, including me, see me as someone who does not struggle emotionally. Someone who does not get emotionally tired. Someone who doesn’t need to ask for help. 

We all need help. We all need support. 

For now, I will continue working on opening up. I will continue learning how to say, “I don’t have the emotional energy to help you right now because I am also going through something.” 

It is a steep learning curve for me. I revert back to my overhelping ways most of the time. However, I am aware of the patterns and I want to advocate more for myself. I want to not always be strong.