The Need for TRA Community

It didn’t matter with whom I was sitting. The white kids. The Chinese kids. I felt out of place. Both groups reminded me that I was not a part of them. It was clear from my looks, my behavior, the way I spoke. I felt like a fish out of water. I still feel like that. I know how the world perceives me. I know the surprise when I open my mouth and I am not what they expected. 

It wasn’t until I began embracing my transracial adoptee identity and seeking connections with fellow transracial adoptees (TRA), that I felt safe. It’s different with other TRAs. I don’t have to explain myself. They get that I don’t speak the language, eat the food, have biological connections, know my birthday. I know the same things about them. 

I don’t feel like I have to prove myself. I don’t feel like an imposter. I feel comfortable saying things like, “I want to celebrate the holiday, but I don’t know how. I didn’t have a Chinese mother to teach me.” 

It wasn’t until the TRA connections that I felt totally safe. And of course, even within the community there will be debates and challenging conversations. The safety comes from knowing I won’t be judged for a choice I didn’t have a say in. I didn’t choose to be adopted, to lose an identity, a family, or a culture. But it happened. I can’t change it. 

Transracial adoptees, especially young transracial adoptees, must have access to this community. I rejected it when I was younger and I wish I hadn’t. Young adoptees must know it is okay to feel the things they are feeling. It isn’t weird. It isn’t wrong. And they are not the only ones feeling it. They must have access to people who have gone through it and can offer genuine advice instead of platitudes and statements of invalidation that will only make them feel shame for their complexities. 

When children are young, it is a parent’s responsibility to find the resources and support for the child. Often, adoptee groups are online (especially in the age of COVID). Find them because it’s unrealistic for a young adoptee to have the internet privileges to do so. The spaces are created and they are safe. 

The connections are just as important as racial mirrors and representation. People need connection. They need to know they are not alone. Transracial adoptees have a unique type of representation that is now much more accessible than ever before. Utilize it. Help adoptees feel safe as they reclaim their stories and identities.