A Faceless Mother and Me

The day of the photoshoot arrived and anxiety was setting in. I kept myself busy around the home and waited until an acceptable time to head to the salon. While I was nervous about telling my beauty team about my Chinese dress and head piece, those worries vanished when they commented on how stunning everything was. We planned out my looks and they got to work.

It wasn’t until it was time to place my headpiece that the nervousness came back. She handed me a mirror to check the placement, and it was the first time I had ever worn the beaded set. I slowly put the mirror up and framed my face. I didn’t look out of place. I didn’t look like an imposter.

To me, I looked like a queen.

I snapped some selfies and we shared each other’s Instagrams to stay connected and swap photos. Then it was off to the venue to get changed and take photos.

My mom and I stood in the bridal suite surrounded by mirrors. I questioned how I was going to put on this dress and be surrounded by my reflection. I dove right in and jumped in front of the mirror. Surprisingly, the emotions didn’t really hit then. It was surreal staring at my reflection, but the distress I felt when I first saw myself in the dress wasn’t there. Perhaps it was the hair and makeup.

Perhaps it was seeing the complete look to know that it felt right.

I finally teared up when it was time to take the last photos. I had been photographed solo for an hour. To end the session, my wonderful photographer snapped a photo of my mom and me. Throughout the session we had chatted about the dress and its meaning. Standing there was when I pictured a first mother standing with us.

Rather than two faceless strangers flanking me in the mirror, I imagined a faceless woman with my adoptive mother and me.

Overall, the day was better than I could have imagined. Though filled with complexity, I was comforted by this newfound confidence in my identity. While my dream of having my first family there to experience this with me remains unanswered, I’m thankful my mom could fly out to stand with me and am excited for more family and friends to arrive on the big day.

Until then, I’ll keep processing the emotions and working to live confidently as me.