Dear Mama | May 26, 2022

亲爱的妈妈，

It’s been a few months since I talked to you last. Do you remember how I told you I was in a short film? I finally saw it today. It brought back a lot of raw memories and reactions from a year ago. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I didn’t even really remember what I had said on camera. I am really happy with the final cut. I am still proud of what I said. Seeing all 14 of us come together on screen and seeing how many fellow AAPI worked behind-the-scenes reminded me that I do have community here.

妈妈，they called me up to the front after so I could be in the photo with the other people involved. They called me by name. “Lilly Fei, come join us,” they said. I didn’t think it would feel as validating as it did. My friends and family have started addressing cards as “Lilly Fei”, but I hadn’t had someone in the AAPI community call me by that name before. That might have been the most meaningful part of the night.

妈妈，the wedding is getting really close. Less than one month to go. I am wearing a traditional Chinese dress for part of the day. My friend is bringing me back jade to wear for good fortune. I thought I would feel more emotional about you and 爸爸 not being there, but it hasn’t really hit me yet. Luckily, I am surrounded by a lot of people who understand the complexity of the situation and give me space to process it.

妈妈，I have one more major update. I’ve begun planning my trip back to China. Can you believe it? We could be in the same city again. I don’t think I will run into you, but wouldn’t it be incredible if I did? I can only dream. My 汉语课 (Chinese lessons) are going well. I might even be able to converse some by the time I am over there. The race is on to get better…

妈妈，that’s all for now… I just wanted to update you on these things and tell you the AAPI community here is welcoming me. This probably isn’t how you imagined my life would be, but I think you’d be happy with what I have created. I will talk to you soon!

你的女儿，

飞