I Was Supposed to Be Celebrating

Today was supposed to be a happy day. Just like it was supposed to be the best day of my life exactly one year ago.

Instead of a wedding, I was blindsided and handed a broken engagement. Two days after my would-be-wedding, I was given a re-examination of my doctoral qualifying exams and was terrified of failing out. I was suddenly very alone in a city hundreds of miles from my family and friends.

The last 365 days have been full of reflection and growth. I look at the blog post drafts saved on my computer and see the pain and sadness I fought. The words were too angry to ever be posted.

I see the scheduled posts I have now, and it’s like looking at a different person. I see the fire in my eyes and I feel the energy to do good work and tell the world I am here!

Yes, there are still times when I feel rage. There are times when I want to throw everything I own out and start again. There are times when I sit, unable to feel anything at all, questioning why me.

And that’s okay. I no longer feel guilty for giving those feelings energy. I no longer feel ashamed for still feeling grief for a reality that disappeared with a single sentence.

I remind myself that I am worthy and strong. I protect my heart, but that doesn’t make me heartless. I try to go with the flow more (or whatever that means to me) and take life day by day.

There are times when I think my outlook on life is impulsive and reckless. Being such an organized person did that to me. Instead, I figured out what it really is. Resilience. I can’t plan for everything that life throws at me, but I do know that I can handle all of it.

I am resilient.