Two Faceless Strangers

I’m sitting in a coffee shop on a rainy day waiting to pick up my mom from the airport. She’s here for a little over 3 days so she can attend my bridal beauty trial and bridal photos with me. It should be a very exciting time. I watched my friends before me get married and they shook with anticipation and excitement and the season ahead.

For me, it’s different. It’s like there is a giant wall in the front of my brain protecting me from the waves of emotions I know will come.

My Chinese wedding dress is hanging in the closet waiting for me to put it on. My headset and earrings are wrapped up in a box for my beauty team to pin into my hair. There’s a photo of me wearing the dress for the first time when I tried it on. I haven’t worn it since.

I know once I’m in the dress with the hair and makeup complete, I’m going to look in the mirror and see two faceless parents behind me. The first family I knew for a few short days. The first family I have not found.

My mind has blocked out imagining my wedding. My wedding planner and therapist have offered suggestions as to how I can pay tribute to my first family, but it all feels so painful.

Staring out at the guests and seeing empty seats reserved for a family I do not know.

Wondering if those unfamiliar with my story will think the lonely chairs are for loved ones who have passed away. Terrified that my family and friends will think I did not want them there.

I try not to think about that and focus on taking it day-by-day. Because trying to prepare for every complex emotion is overwhelming and debilitating.

So, I focus on step one. The bridal photos. How to look at myself in the mirror and take my reflection in without disassociating from the moment. Trying to break a hole in the mental wall to let me feel something instead of getting through the day numb and safe.